Anticipatory grief
Mourning a loss before it has happened.
Anticipatory grief is mourning a loss before it has happened. The chest is heavy and the eyes water at small reminders. The grieving begins while the person, animal, or bond is still here. Awareness of what is coming crowds the present.
Grieving before the loss is still grief
Anticipatory grief happens when you love someone who is going to die, or a life that is going to end, or a version of things that is visibly drawing to a close. The grief arrives early because the loss is already partly real. Do not talk yourself out of it. The grief is a correct response to what is coming. The trick is to not let the anticipatory grief steal the time you still have. Feel the grief in its waves. Between the waves, be present with what is still here. The hand you can still hold. The voice you can still hear. Grief that runs alongside presence is bearable. Grief that replaces presence makes you lose the thing before it has even left.
"Every person carries within them their own death."
— Rainer Maria Rilke
Anticipatory grief has a distinctive body signature of pre-mourning. The chest carries heavy weight similar to acute grief. The eyes water at reminders of what is coming. The breath is deeper but troubled. The face shows particular gravity, sometimes with sustained sadness. The voice often becomes quieter when speaking about the anticipated loss. The body holds itself in a way that suggests sustained weight; sleep is often significantly affected. The state can persist over months or years depending on the situation, often producing cumulative effects on functioning and well-being during the period of anticipated loss.
Anticipatory grief has been studied within research on grief, end-of-life experience, and what is sometimes called preparatory mourning. Research has shown that anticipatory grief is a meaningful experience that can produce many features of post-loss grief while the loss is still pending (Rando, 2000). Research on dementia caregivers, oncology contexts, and other situations involving expected loss has documented anticipatory grief's substantial effects on caregivers and family members. The work of Pauline Boss on ambiguous loss, where loss is partial or uncertain, has informed understanding of related experiences (Boss, 1999).
Anticipatory grief arises through specific conditions involving expected significant loss. Common patterns include:
Anticipatory grief benefits from being engaged with rather than denied or amplified. The following help.
Allow the grief while maintaining engagement
Anticipatory grief that operates alongside continued engagement with the person or situation serves better than either denial (which prevents preparation) or premature disengagement (which abandons the present relationship). The dual movement of grieving and engaging is difficult but typically supports both you and the person you are losing.
Use remaining time well
Anticipatory grief often signals that what matters about the relationship or situation warrants attention while time remains. Many people who have experienced major losses describe wishing they had used remaining time differently. Asking yourself what would matter to do, say, or experience while time remains often clarifies how to use the period of anticipated loss.
Get support from others who understand
Anticipatory grief is often less recognised socially than post-loss grief. Many people experiencing it feel they should not be grieving yet, or receive responses that minimise the experience. Support groups for caregivers, families of terminally ill people, and similar contexts often provide better support than well-meaning others who may not understand.
Recognise the legitimacy of pre-loss mourning
The cultural framing of grief as occurring only after loss often makes anticipatory grief difficult to acknowledge. Recognising that mourning what is being lost during its loss is normal and meaningful supports better engagement with the experience. The grief is real even when the loss has not fully occurred.
If anticipatory grief has become disabling
Sustained anticipatory grief that has produced significant impairment, sustained inability to function, or thoughts that life is not worth continuing, particularly when accompanied by depression markers, warrants professional support. Specialised grief counselling, including for anticipatory grief specifically, can be helpful. Crisis resources are appropriate when needed: UK Samaritans 116 123; US 988; Australia Lifeline 13 11 14.
"Anticipatory grief is a meaningful experience that can produce many features of post-loss grief while the loss is still pending. Research on caregivers and family members has documented substantial effects during periods of anticipated loss."
— A summary of Rando's research on anticipatory grief
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is mourning a loss before it has happened. The body has begun grieving for what is coming: a dying parent, a relationship ending, a beloved animal whose decline is visible, your own approaching death or that of someone you love. The chest carries heavy weight. The eyes water at small reminders. There is a quality of mourning in advance, of feeling the loss before it occurs, of being unable to fully engage with the present because of awareness of what is coming. Anticipatory grief specifically refers to the mourning that begins before loss has occurred, often with most of the features of post-loss grief operating in advance.
Where do people feel anticipatory grief in the body?
Anticipatory grief has a distinctive signature of pre-mourning. The chest carries heavy weight similar to acute grief. The eyes water at reminders of what is coming. The breath is deeper but troubled. The face shows particular gravity, sometimes with sustained sadness. The voice often becomes quieter when speaking about the anticipated loss. The body holds itself in a way that suggests sustained weight; sleep is often significantly affected. The state can persist over months or years depending on the situation, often producing cumulative effects on functioning and well-being during the period of anticipated loss.
Is it normal to grieve before someone dies?
Yes, and it is widely experienced. Research has shown that anticipatory grief is a meaningful experience that produces many features of post-loss grief while the loss is still pending. Caring for or being close to someone with terminal illness reliably produces anticipatory grief; sustained awareness of ageing parents' mortality often produces gradual anticipatory grief over years; watching beloved animals decline often produces significant grief; relationships, jobs, or life stages drawing to close can also produce it. The cultural framing of grief as occurring only after loss often makes anticipatory grief difficult to acknowledge, but it is normal and meaningful experience. Recognising that mourning what is being lost during its loss is legitimate supports better engagement with the experience.
How is anticipatory grief different from dread or anxiety?
Anxiety involves anticipatory distress about possible problems. Dread is anticipatory distress about negative future events. Anticipatory grief specifically involves mourning rather than worrying or dreading. A person can have anxiety or dread without anticipatory grief (negative anticipation without active grief). Anticipatory grief involves the active mourning dimension that anxiety and dread do not require. The distinction matters because the responses differ: anxiety often responds to addressing what is being anticipated; anticipatory grief often responds to engaging with the relationship or situation being lost while time remains. The two can coexist in many situations but operate differently.
How do you cope with anticipatory grief?
Several practices help. Allowing the grief while maintaining engagement serves better than either denial or premature disengagement; the dual movement of grieving and engaging is difficult but typically supports both you and the person you are losing. Using remaining time well, by asking what would matter to do, say, or experience while time remains, often clarifies how to use the period of anticipated loss; many people who have experienced major losses describe wishing they had used remaining time differently. Getting support from others who understand, including support groups for caregivers or families of terminally ill people, often provides better support than well-meaning others who may not understand. Recognising the legitimacy of pre-loss mourning supports better engagement. When anticipatory grief has become disabling with depression markers or thoughts that life is not worth continuing, professional support is appropriate.
- Rando, T. A. (Ed.). (2000). Clinical Dimensions of Anticipatory Mourning. Research Press.
- Boss, P. (1999). Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Harvard University Press.
Anticipatory grief sits in the sadness family as one of its more temporally specific forms. It overlaps with grief as the broader category, with mourning when ritual or sustained processing is involved, with what end-of-life research has identified as a significant experience for caregivers and families, with ambiguous loss when the loss is partial or uncertain, and with what dementia caregiving research has documented as a sustained difficult experience requiring specific support.
See where anticipatory grief sits among the other 402 emotions.
Open Anticipatory grief on the wheel