Contempt
Cool dismissal. Someone is beneath your regard.
Contempt is cool dismissal, the sense that someone is beneath your regard. One corner of the mouth raises and the gaze cools. Anger says this is wrong; contempt says this is beneath me. Research links it strongly to relationship failure.
Contempt is corrosive to whoever carries it
Contempt is the coolness of looking down. It signals, you are beneath me. It is one of the most toxic emotions in close relationships. Researchers who study marriages find that contempt from one partner predicts the end of the relationship more reliably than almost any other single variable. Contempt for a stranger is also costly, because it keeps you rehearsing the role of the superior. The people who live well do not carry contempt. They might disagree, disapprove, even refuse. But they do not look down. Notice your own contempts. Interrogate them. Most of them are not serving anyone, including you.
"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of respect is contempt."
— John Gottman
Contempt has a distinctive facial signature. One corner of the mouth raises in a sneer, often briefly, often unconsciously. The head may tilt slightly back. The eyes cool and narrow. The body posture rises slightly, taking up more space, as if asserting position. There is a quality of coolness rather than heat: anger burns, contempt freezes. The body has decided the target is beneath response.
Contempt has been studied extensively by Ekman as a basic emotion with a universally recognisable facial expression, the unilateral lip curl (Ekman and Friesen, 1986). Gottman's research on marital interaction has consistently identified contempt as the strongest single predictor of relationship dissolution among the four interaction patterns he calls the Four Horsemen (Gottman, 1994). The presence of contempt in a relationship correlates with measurable health effects on the receiver, including immune system impacts.
Contempt arises in specific conditions, often after accumulated grievance or as a defensive response to feeling inferior. Common patterns include:
Contempt is one of the most damaging emotions to express and one of the most difficult to address in oneself because the felt position is one of superiority, which makes the contemptuous person reluctant to examine the contempt. The following practices have evidence behind them.
Notice the sneer
Contempt has a specific facial signature: the unilateral lip curl, the head tilt, the cool gaze. Catching yourself doing this is often the first step in recognising contempt in your own behaviour. The body shows it even when the person is not aware of feeling it.
Address the underlying grievance directly
If contempt has developed from accumulated unaddressed frustration, the contempt itself will not resolve until the frustration is engaged with. This usually means having harder conversations, not avoiding them. Couples therapy specifically helps with this when the contempt has developed in a relationship.
Examine what feels threatened
Defensive contempt often points at where you feel inferior or insecure. Catching the trigger and examining what was actually threatened often takes the heat out of the contempt. This is uncomfortable but useful.
Reduce exposure to media that traffics in contempt
If you spend significant time consuming media (news, social platforms, podcasts) built around contempt for out-groups, your own baseline contempt level will rise. The reduction is not censorship. It is recognising that contempt is contagious and that you have some say in what you marinate in.
If contempt is corroding important relationships
Sustained contempt in a marriage or family relationship is one of the strongest predictors of dissolution. Couples therapy, particularly approaches based on Gottman's research, has specific tools for repairing relationships where contempt has taken hold. The earlier this is addressed, the more reparable the relationship usually is.
"Contempt is the assertion that the other person is beneath you. There is no relationship contempt does not damage. There is no version of contempt that improves the situation."
— A central finding from Gottman's relationship research
What is contempt exactly?
Contempt is the cool dismissal of someone or something as beneath your regard. Where anger says 'this is wrong' and disgust says 'this is contaminating', contempt says 'this is beneath me'. The feeling is socially powerful and morally dangerous. Contempt has been identified by relationship research as one of the most reliable predictors of relationship failure, in part because the dismissive quality blocks ordinary engagement and repair.
Where do people feel contempt in the body?
Contempt has a distinctive facial signature: one corner of the mouth raises in a sneer (often briefly and unconsciously), the head may tilt slightly back, the eyes cool and narrow, and the body posture rises slightly as if asserting position. There is a quality of coolness rather than heat. The body has decided the target is beneath full engagement.
What is the difference between contempt and anger?
Anger says 'this is wrong'. Contempt says 'this is beneath me'. Anger engages, even hotly. Contempt dismisses. Anger treats the other as worthy of response. Contempt treats them as not worthy of full engagement. Anger can be productive when expressed well. Contempt almost never is, because the dismissiveness blocks the ordinary exchange that allows repair or progress.
Why is contempt so damaging to relationships?
Gottman's research has consistently identified contempt as the strongest single predictor of relationship dissolution. The dismissive quality erodes the felt safety required for ordinary engagement. The receiver experiences contempt as an attack on their worth, not just on their behaviour. Repeated exposure to contempt has even been linked to measurable health effects on the receiver, including immune system impacts. Few things damage relationships more reliably or more durably.
How do you stop being contemptuous?
Contempt is one of the harder emotions to address in oneself because the felt position is one of superiority, which makes the contemptuous person reluctant to examine it. What helps is noticing the facial signature (the sneer), addressing underlying unaddressed grievances directly rather than expressing them through contempt, examining what feels threatened in defensive contempt, and reducing exposure to media that traffics in contempt. Sustained contempt in important relationships usually benefits from couples or family therapy.
- Ekman, P., & Friesen, W. V. (1986). A new pan-cultural facial expression of emotion. Motivation and Emotion, 10(2), 159–168. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00992253
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Simon & Schuster.
- Fischer, A. H., & Roseman, I. J. (2007). Beat them or ban them: The characteristics and social functions of anger and contempt. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 93(1), 103–115. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0022-3514.93.1.103
Contempt sits in the disgust family because it shares the dismissive quality, but it is more specifically social: it dismisses people rather than substances or behaviours. It overlaps with anger when the dismissal includes hostility, with resentment when it has developed from accumulated grievance, and with arrogance when it comes from felt superiority.
See where contempt sits among the other 402 emotions.
Open Contempt on the wheel