Contempt

Contempt is the cool dismissal of someone or something as beneath your regard. The face often shows a particular sneer: one corner of the mouth raised, the head tilted slightly, the gaze cool. The body holds a felt sense of superiority. Where anger says "this is wrong", and disgust says "this is contaminating", contempt says "this is beneath me". The feeling is socially powerful and morally dangerous.

Contempt has been identified by Gottman's research as one of the most reliable predictors of relationship failure. Couples whose interactions include contempt, even at low levels, are significantly more likely to divorce. The same dismissive quality that makes contempt feel powerful from inside makes it corrosive to whatever it is directed at. Knowing what contempt is and where it shows up matters because most people use it without recognising it.

This page covers what contempt feels like in the body, what it is often confused with, why it shows up, what helps when contempt is corroding relationships, and the related emotions.

Where contempt lives in the body

Contempt has a distinctive facial signature. One corner of the mouth raises in a sneer, often briefly, often unconsciously. The head may tilt slightly back. The eyes cool and narrow. The body posture rises slightly, taking up more space, as if asserting position. There is a quality of coolness rather than heat: anger burns, contempt freezes. The body has decided the target is beneath response.

Contempt has been studied extensively by Ekman as a basic emotion with a universally recognisable facial expression, the unilateral lip curl (Ekman and Friesen, 1986). Gottman's research on marital interaction has consistently identified contempt as the strongest single predictor of relationship dissolution among the four interaction patterns he calls the Four Horsemen (Gottman, 1994). The presence of contempt in a relationship correlates with measurable health effects on the receiver, including immune system impacts.

Contempt is the assertion that the other person is beneath you. There is no relationship contempt does not damage. There is no version of contempt that improves the situation.— A central finding from Gottman's relationship research

What contempt is often confused with

Why contempt shows up

Contempt arises in specific conditions, often after accumulated grievance or as a defensive response to feeling inferior. Common patterns include:

• Accumulated unaddressed grievanceIn long-term relationships, contempt often develops as the residue of grievances that were never named or resolved. The person who feels chronically wronged eventually shifts from anger (engagement) to contempt (dismissal). This is one of the most predictable patterns in relationship deterioration.
• Defensive response to perceived threatSometimes contempt rises in response to feeling inferior or threatened. Putting the other below you is a way of restoring your own felt position. This kind of contempt is often most intense toward people who threaten your sense of being competent, attractive, important, or correct.
• Cultural or political conditioningSome cultural contexts actively cultivate contempt as a tool of group identity: contempt for the out-group, contempt for those with different views, contempt as bonding within the in-group. Media that traffics in contempt does so because it is engaging. The cost is the corrosion of the capacity for ordinary disagreement.
• Internalised superioritySome people develop chronic contempt as a feature of identity: I am superior, others are inferior. This can be class-based, intelligence-based, taste-based, or based on any other distinction the person uses to elevate themselves. Chronic contempt of this kind is often a defense against shame or inadequacy underneath.

What helps

Contempt is one of the most damaging emotions to express and one of the most difficult to address in oneself because the felt position is one of superiority, which makes the contemptuous person reluctant to examine the contempt. The following practices have evidence behind them.

Notice the sneer

Contempt has a specific facial signature: the unilateral lip curl, the head tilt, the cool gaze. Catching yourself doing this is often the first step in recognising contempt in your own behaviour. The body shows it even when the person is not aware of feeling it.

Address the underlying grievance directly

If contempt has developed from accumulated unaddressed frustration, the contempt itself will not resolve until the frustration is engaged with. This usually means having harder conversations, not avoiding them. Couples therapy specifically helps with this when the contempt has developed in a relationship.

Examine what feels threatened

Defensive contempt often points at where you feel inferior or insecure. Catching the trigger and examining what was actually threatened often takes the heat out of the contempt. This is uncomfortable but useful.

Reduce exposure to media that traffics in contempt

If you spend significant time consuming media (news, social platforms, podcasts) built around contempt for out-groups, your own baseline contempt level will rise. The reduction is not censorship. It is recognising that contempt is contagious and that you have some say in what you marinate in.

If contempt is corroding important relationships

Sustained contempt in a marriage or family relationship is one of the strongest predictors of dissolution. Couples therapy, particularly approaches based on Gottman's research, has specific tools for repairing relationships where contempt has taken hold. The earlier this is addressed, the more reparable the relationship usually is.

Related emotions

Contempt sits in the disgust family because it shares the dismissive quality, but it is more specifically social: it dismisses people rather than substances or behaviours. It overlaps with anger when the dismissal includes hostility, with resentment when it has developed from accumulated grievance, and with arrogance when it comes from felt superiority.

Common questions